Living with toxic masculinity

If you're anything like me, you quickly scroll by quotes that people leave up on social media. Whether it is because it takes much more effort to ingest than a picture, or because it doesn't resonate with us, words on a screen often go unnoticed.

Every once in while though, something comes up that makes me take notice. This was the case with this quote:

This is a quote by bell hooks, an American writer and social activist who studied race, gender, patriarchy and capitalism, among other topics. I am not doing her a disservice by writing her name in lower case. She chose not to capitalize her own name to place the focus on her writings and not her own name.

But what a quote! And it certainly rings true with my experience. I am a product of and a participant in a culture of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. I should clarify that my family of origin was not the principal source of this toxicity. My father never belittled me or called me derogatory names, as I know some of my friend's fathers did.

No, toxic masculinity and patriarchy was much more insidious and malignant in my upbringing, as I suspect it was in yours.

If you are a man reading this, let me ask you a question. No matter how kind, caring and compassionate your parents might have been, are you still plagued with feelings of inadequacy? Are you still unable to love yourself? Are you still comparing yourself unfavorably to your peers or your own father, even though by material standards you may be better off than them?

That's because you were raised and are living in a patriarchal society that values productivity above all. It is one that values doing rather than being. It is one that works us to the bone with the promise of peace and fulfillment sometime in the far-off future. It is one that has us constantly focused on future conquests or has us analyzing past failures rather than focusing on the here and now.

Don't get me wrong, I have not moved past this myself. I suck at living in the present moment. Don't get me wrong on another point: women have it much worse when it comes to the effects of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. But men are also victims of these mindsets.

I know this guy, let's call him Rutger because I really like that name. Rutger has a high stress job that keeps him away from his family, forces him to work long and unusual hours, hampers his ability to engage in leisure pursuits because he is on call for emergencies and can never be further than one hour from his place of employment, and although they come and go, he most often is overseen by bad senior managers.

So why does Rutger stick with this crap job? Because the wages are high, its got an iron-clad pension, and a decent benefits plan. It's respectable. You'd be impressed to know what he does for a living. Although he's in his 30's, he'll likely be able to retire at 55.

But I will tell you something I do know. 20 years is a heck of a long time to be doing anything, much less something you hate. And while he is doing this job, his kids resent him, his marriage is on the verge of collapse, his mental health is not good, and he's generally unpleasant to be around because all he does is complain about his job and how busy he is.

And this is the irony of living in a patriarchal society. Men are so programmed to pursue productivity, prestige and future security that we often ignore our own well-being in the present moment. We are taught that if we work hard today, we will be able to rest tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, I am not promoting laziness here, but chances are Rutger won't make it to retirement because his work/life balance is simply not sustainable. And in his wake he will leave an alienated spouse and children. His office will likely be filled within the week. He's not going to leave behind an admirable legacy. He will leave behind a work ethic.

I'm not saying go crazy and forget about the future. It is of course wise to put money away and to invest in your future. But the present moment is really all we have, when it comes down to it. The present moment is the only sliver of time in which we live and breathe and act and love and do whatever it is you do.

Lay aside expectations. Lay aside the judgement of others. Lay aside the almost pathological obsession with productivity. Just be, if even only for a few minutes today. You are worthy. You are cherished. You are loved.