Are you even on the list?

I have a philosophy I live by. It's not scientific. It's not profound. It's not even particularly witty or original. But it is effective.

It is this:

I ensure that at any given time, I don't care about the opinions of more than 10 people on the planet.

The number itself is arbitrary. It could be more or less than 10 for you, but I would encourage you to start with 10 and see how that lands.

For example, as I write this, I care what my wife thinks about me. I care what my kids think of me. I care to a certain degree what my parents think of me. I care what a couple of friends think of me. I care what my boss thinks of me (as a worker, not as a person).

The reason I care about what these people think of me is either that I love them, they love me, and/or I am accountable to them in some way. I'll let you guess who's who there. They have an impact on the outcome of my life, and I have an impact on theirs. They are important to me, albeit for different reasons and in different ways.

For some of you, this may sound obvious. "Why would I care what more than X amount of people think of me?"

Well, I used to care. A lot. I was a sensitive child, and I was particularly sensitive to what people thought of me and how they perceived me. I didn't have a very strong sense of self, and I sought the approval and acceptance of other people as a substitute for the fact that I did not approve of or accept myself. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get people to like me in the hopes that I would somehow get around to liking myself.

But that never happened. I was teased, excluded, rejected and bullied at various points in my life, largely because I lacked the ability to command respect. How can one command respect when one does not even respect oneself?

I felt desperate to earn the approval of others as I felt as though my very life depended on it. I spent nights agonizing over having someone challenge me or disagree with me. I was not my own person. I was everybody else's person. No doubt you can understand why I was anxious and miserable for most of my youth.

The rise of social media did nothing to allay this. In fact, I have taken long sabbaticals from social media because of its often toxic nature. Now I have complete strangers or people I haven't seen in years commenting on my life. And I am sad to say that sometimes I let that matter. Sometimes I am tempted to try to justify or explain myself. But there be dragons, and I have learned it is best to avoid keyboard warriors and trolls.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, I know some people who are proud to say, "I don't give a **** what anybody else thinks of me". This is either untrue or not altogether healthy. In the former case, this is often a statement that masks a great deal of insecurity. They don't want to care, and feel the need to convey that loudly. In the latter case, I feel that we should be accountable to other people in our lives. To feel otherwise is to admit to a tremendous wall or distance that we place between ourselves and the people who love us, and whom we ought to love in return.

While I applaud anyone who takes risks and thinks outside the box, the important people in our lives are also there to guide us. Often, they see all too well when we are going off the rails or making bad choices. They often see this long before we do. Only fools take no counsel. Other people should matter to an extent.

But just not as many as most of allow.

When we allow the opinions of too many people to sway or influence us, this diminishes our capacity to make our own decisions and to be our own persons. It often prevents us from moving forward with new projects and ideas, taking risks and enjoying our lives. Many of us allow people to claim too much space in our lives and in our heads.

I remember complaining to a friend about a particular person in my life. This person was not a friend or colleague, just a minor acquaintance. We never visited each other's homes. We didn't exchange birthday cards. We didn't sit together in the cafeteria. But they annoyed me. After a long tirade about their behaviour, my friend asked, "How much rent are you charging them?" "For what!?", I responded. "To live in your f***ing head", was the answer. Point made.

We need to invite fewer people into our lives, not more.

This is particularly hard in the era of social media, where many people (myself included sometimes) gauge their worth by how many followers, likes or retweets they get. Some people burn with shame when they get a thumbs down or an angry face emoji or a nasty comment. At the high school age, it is often about having as many friends as possible. In the past, as we got older, it was more about the quality of friendship. Social groups typically got smaller, but more meaningful. Social media turns that on its head.

We need to cultivate the art of letting those who do not matter truly slide.

So when I am upset by someone offering an opinion (which is usually unsolicited), I physically hold out my hand as though I am consulting a guest list at an exclusive establishment, and check to see if the person is on my list. I try to treat myself like an exclusive establishment, as I think we all should. And if you are not on the list, you are not welcome inside.

Please understand, I am not advocating being haughty or arrogant. I am not suggesting that you place yourself above anybody else.

But maybe it is time to stop putting yourself beneath everybody else.